How to brush your teeth like a Spartan

Sparta

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

3. Use CB lingo where applicable. “10-4 Good Buddy!”

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

5. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line andyou’re going with the lowest bidder.

7. Give your address and exclaim, “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.

8. Answer their questions with questions.

9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

10. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

11. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”

12. Stutter on the letter “p.”

13. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino’s, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!) INSIST they have it.

14. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

15. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, “Okay, that’ll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.”

16. Ask if you could just rent a pizza.

17. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave asigh of relief.

18. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long”i” sound.

19. Ask to have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”

20. When they say, “What would you like?” say, “Huh? You mean now?”

21. Say it’s your friend’s birthday and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your friend to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

22. Ask if the delivery person could first bring you a menu.

23. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

24. Order two toppings, then say, “No, that won’t work. They’ll startfighting.”

25. Tell the order taker, to tell the manager, to tell his supervisor he’s fired.

26. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

27. Try to talk while drinking something.

28. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

29. After ordering, say, “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.”Simulate a cutoff.

30. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make upa description to go with the term. Ask to have your pizza “spanked”.

31. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

32. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

33. Put them on hold.

34. Tell the order taker that you will have to give him your order insecret code.

35. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. At the end of your order, say, “No mushrooms, please.”

36. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeatedagain, change it again. On the third time, say, “You just don’t get it,do you?”

37. When you’re given the price, say, “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”

38. Haggle for a better price on your pizza.

39. Order a four-inch pizza.

40. Ask if any dolphins had to be killed to make your pizza.

41. Tell them that you don’t have any money, but could swap them a piece of your furniture for a pizza.

42. Order a steamed pizza.

43. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “The last guy let me do it.”

N–Nights of restful slumber (you know – Don’t worry be happy)
E–Everything you need
W-Wishing you love and light

Y–Years and years of good health
E–Enjoyment and mirth
A–Angels to watch over you
R–Remembrances of happy years!

May every day of the new year glows with good cheer & happiness for you & your family,

Happy New Year

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

3. “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”

4. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

5. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”

7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

9. “This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.”

These are actual lines from military performance appraisals.

1. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn’t watching.

2. A room temperature IQ.

3. Got a full sixpack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

4. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

6. Bright as Alaska in December.

7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

8. He so dense, light bends around him.

9. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

10. It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

11. Takes him 1-1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes. 12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

How Fanboys See Operating Systems

BUICK – Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer

CHEVROLET – Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips

CHEVY – Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet

DODGE – Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT – Fix It Again Tomorrow

FORD – Found On Road Dead

GM – Grinding Metal

GMC – Gotta Mechanic Coming

HONDA – Hold On, Not Done Accelerating

JEEP – Just Enough Engine Power

KIA – Killed In Action

MAZDA – Made At Zoo by Demented Apes

MG – Mostly Garaged

OLDSMOBILE – Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Increasingly Late Everyday

PINTO – Powerful Incendiary, Neatly Toasts Occupants

PLYMOUTH – Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood

PONTIAC – Poor Old Nebraskan, Thinks It’s A Cadillac

PORSCHE – Piece Of Rusty Scrap, Cost Highly Expensive

SUBARU – Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath

TOYOTA – The One You Ought To Avoid

VW – Virtually Worthless

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SLAPPED ME IN THE FACE.

They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone:

TODAY MY BEST FRIEND SAVED MY LIFE.

The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”

The other friend replied “When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away. But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”

LEARN TO WRITE YOUR HURTS IN THE SAND AND TO CARVE YOUR BENEFITS IN STONE.

revenge of chuck norris

1. A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

2. Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER – Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE.

3. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.

4. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman..
Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral : BE SPECIFIC

5. Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.
They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.
Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.
Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone.
Ant 3 says : No, we will just throw him away from our path.
Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

6. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend – You are missing SOME thing in your life.
If you HAVE a Girl Friend – You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

7. Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.
Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

8. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness – Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

Q: How Many Legs You Have?

To find out the answer, look down…

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Look down, not scroll down!