Fun and Information

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
 
MAN: “Hello.”
 
WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
 
MAN: “Yes.”
 
WOMAN: “I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”
 
MAN: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
 
WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked.”
 
MAN: “How much?”
 
WOMAN: “£45,000.”
 
MAN: “OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.”
 
WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing …..the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £450,000.”
 
MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.”
 
WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”
 
MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”
 
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..
 
Then he smiles and asks: “Anyone know’s who this phone belongs to?”

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Once in Brazil a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive.

Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: ‘When the plane took off what were the travelers doing?’
Monkey: ‘Tying their belts’

Officer: ‘What were the air hostesses doing?’
Monkey: ‘Saying Hello! Good morning!’

Officer: ‘What were the pilots doing?’
Monkey: ‘Checking the system’

Officer: ‘What were you doing?’
Monkey: ‘Looking for my people’

Officer: ‘After 10′ minutes what were the travelers doing?’
Monkey: ‘Having beverages and snacks’

Officer: ‘What were the air hostesses doing?’
Monkey: ‘Serving the travelers’

Officer: ‘What were the Pilots doing?’
Monkey: ‘Handling the steering’

Officer: ‘What were you doing?’
Monkey: ‘Eating & throwing’
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK!
Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget
to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’

The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple
of eggs?’

The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

Once there was a train, which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks. Suddenly the train deviated from the tracks, went onto the fields Censored and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were shocked -up.

On the next railway station the driver was caught : He was found to be a Sardar.

He was questioned . He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after blowing the horn, flashing the lights etc.

The authorities questioned : Sardarji are you mad! Just to save the life of one person you put the lives of so many passengers in danger. You should have run that person over.

Sardar said : That is exactly what I had decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train got real close.

1 -  Buy a plant and plant it, don’t go for three as the plant is mentioned only twice in this request, please overlook the third one.
 

2 - Overlook all the inventions that produce gases other than one called OXYGEN. As we humans also produce carbondioxide, yet children are adorable and loveable they enhance the crowded house with charming cries and ba ba bas: still no matter how much tried the Rickshaw of Pakistan though detested by all is still making noises in the country; much I tried but couldn’t find any Rickshaw lover in my city at all. Even a Rickshaw driver can’t give an intelligible statement as to why he is driving one that’s deafening him instead of a Green Peace Rickshaw.
 

3- Please help a Rickshaw driver from your pocket to change his Rickshaw and make Green Peace.

“If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!”

The woman said, “That’s okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”. The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”

So, KAZAM - she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

“Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.