Fun and Information

Ninja don’t sweat.

Bullets can’t kill a ninja.

Ninja invented skateboarding

Only a ninja can kill a ninja. Regular humans are useless.

Ninja never wear headbands with the word “ninja” printed on them.

Ninja can breath underwater anytime they want.

Ninja can change clothes in less than 1 second.

Ninja don’t smoke, but they do use smoke bombs.

Ninja always land on their feet. If they don’t have feet they will land on their nubs.

Ninja invented the internet.

Ninja don’t eat or drink very much, and they never have to go to the bathroom.

Ninja always move to America when making a new start as a non-assassin.

Ninja don’t play sports. Unless killing is a sport.

Ninja can crush golfballs with 2 fingers, any two fingers.

Ninja have a bad temper when they lose at anything. They will usually cut off the winners head before they have time to gloat.

Ninja lie all the time. Even when the truth serves better, ninja will lie anyway.

Ninja swords are always straight with a square handle guard. Always. Curves are for girls.

Lack any personality

Wear headbands

Fight skillfully with any object

Can remove a spleen in one swift motion

Live in your house secretly for days

Can remove their shadow if needed

Hurl shurikens

Go anywhere they want instantly
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A. INTRO

I. What is this?
II. Defining ‘Noob’

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

I. Noobish
II. Where to find noobs
III. Behavior of noobs
IV. Noob religion
V. More about noob habitats

C. AVOIDING NOOBS

I. Make sure you aren’t one
II. Major noob avoiding strategies

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A. INTRO

I. What is this?

This guide is designed to give you a better understanding of what a noob is, how to recognize them, some details about them, and how to avoid or get rid of them. It mostly applies to online forums, which are the main targets of migrating noobs.

II. Defining ‘Noob’

Contrary to the belief of many, a noob/n00b and a newbie/newb are not the same thing. Newbs are those who are new to some task* and are very beginner at it, possibly a little overconfident about it, but they are willing to learn and fix their errors to move out of that stage. n00bs, on the other hand, know little and have no will to learn any more. They expect people to do the work for them and then expect to get praised about it, and make up a unique species of their own. It is the latter we will study in this guide so that the reader is prepared to encounter them in the wild if needed.Noobs are often referred to as n00bs as a sign of disrespect toward them, and it’s often hella funny, but I will refer to them as noobs during this reading.Usually the topic at hand on an internet forum.

B. COMMON NOOB CHARACTERISTICS

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The family meeting

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting.

Dad:  People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone.  I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum:  Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile.

Maid:  So what is the problem?  We all use our work telephones.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather
that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made
her daily trip to school.
 
As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with
thunder and lightning.The mother of the little girl felt
concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked
home from school, and she herself feared the electrical storm
might harm her child.
 
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword
would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly
got in her car and drove along the route to her child’s school.
As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each
flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
 
Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little
girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called
over to her child and asked, “What are you doing?”
 
The child answered, “Smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me.”
 
 .. Is that what lightning is all about ..A photo session!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Signs Found in the Kitchen

So this isn’t Home Sweet Home … Adjust!
 
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
 
If you write in the dust, please don’t date it!
 
My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!
 
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
 
Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen
and gone on to lead normal lives.
 
I take back my words ….

1: I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
  
2: My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.
  
3: I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
  
4: The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  
5: I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
  
6: I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
  
7: The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
  
8: I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
  
9:  If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
  

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.
1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters? Read More »

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight ’safety lecture’ and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’

2. On a Continental Flight with a very ’senior’ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

3. On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.

4. ‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’

5. ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

9. ‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.’
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A Good Practical Case Study…

Once Japan’s biggest cosmetics company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a soap box that was empty. Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the Assembly line, which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery department.

For some reason, one soap box went through the assembly line empty. Management asked its engineers to solve the problem. Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soap boxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent whoopee amount to do so.

But when a rank-and-file employee in a small Pakistani company was posed with the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc but instead came out with another solution. He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soap box passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Moral of the story:
Always look for simple solutions.
Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problem.
Learn to focus on solutions not on problems.

#  Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn’t get the job, it would prove that the company’s management was incompetent.

# Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

# Brought her large dog to the interview.

# Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

# Candidate kept giggling through serious interview.

# She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.

# Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

# Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

# Asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

# Announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office.

# Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.

# Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.

# Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

# Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

# Wouldn’t get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

# When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

# Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

# Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
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Law of queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
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