to help you each day…………

Toothpick … to remind you to pick the good qualities in everyone, including yourself.

Rubber band … to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it can be worked out.

Band-Aid … to remind you to heal hurt feelings, either yours or someone else’s.

Eraser … to remind you everyone makes mistakes. That’s okay, we learn by our errors.

Candy Kiss … to remind you everyone needs a hug or a compliment everyday.

Mint … to remind you that you are worth a mint to your family & Me.

Bubble Gum … to remind you to stick with it and you can accomplish anything.

Pencil … to remind you to list your blessings every day.

Tea Bag … to remind you to take time to relax daily and go over that list of God’s blessings.

This is what makes life worth living every minute, every day

Wishing you love, gratitude, friends to cherish, caring, sharing, laughter, music, and warm feelings in your heart.

Yeah i saw the nerdy one so i thought i’d make one for cool people

1. Did you fart? Because you blew me away
2. You must be in a wrong place – the Miss Universe contest is over there.
3. Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
4. I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true
5. Are you a magnet cuz im attracted to you
6. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
7. I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
8. I know its not Christmas, but Santa’s lap is always ready.
9. Baby your like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems
10. “Why does it feel like the most beautiful girl in the world is in this room?”
11. Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.
12. Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
13. I was blinded by your beauty so I’m going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.
14. I’m sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.
15. I know I dont have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.
16. Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
17. Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next girlfriend.
18. Are your legs tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
19. Are you lost? Because heaven’s a long way from here.
20. POOF! (What are u doing?) I’m here, where are your other two wishes?
21. I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.
22. Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
23. If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!
24. Do you have the time? (she gives you the time) No, the time to write my number down .
25. Let’s make like a fabric softener and snuggle.
26. Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful.
27. Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.
28. Is that top felt? [No] Would you like it to be?
29. Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
30. Is your last name Gillete cause your the best a man can get. Read the rest of this entry »

United Flight Attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
****
On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have. ‘
****
‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane’
****
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
****
The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a ‘Thanks for flying our airline.’ He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said, ‘Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?’
‘Why, no, Ma’am,’ said the pilot. ‘What is it?’
The little old lady said, ‘Did we land, or were we shot down?’
****
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella, WHOA!’
****
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis , a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.’
****
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing:
‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’
****
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:
During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!’
****
‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’
****
‘As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses……except for that gentleman over there.’
****
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City .
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, ‘That was quite a bump, and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendant’s fault, it was the asphalt.’
****
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’
Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: ‘We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today.
And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways.’
****
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight – ‘Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light ‘em, you can smoke ‘em.’
****
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax… OH, MY GOD!’
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’ A passenger in Coach yelled, ‘That’s nothing. You should see the back of Mine.

Put about 100 bricks in a room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room, and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.

If they are recounting them.
Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Engineering.

If they arrange the bricks in some strange order.
Planning.

If they throw the bricks at each other,
Operations.

If they are sleeping.
Reception.

If they break the bricks into pieces.
Information technology.

If they are sitting idle.
Human resources.

If they say they have tried different combinations, not a brick has been moved.
Sales.

If they have already left for the day.
Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window.
Strategic Planning.

*Last but not least.*
If they talk to each other, and not a single brick has been moved.

Congratulate them, and put them in top management!!….

1.Sit down right next to a complete stranger. Turn and smile. Turn back whenever they look. Then, after a few minutes, stick your nose into their armpit and start to sniff them.

2.Go up to the receptionist with your lips wrapped around your teeth and loudly demand to know when the `movomaime’ is going to wear off.

3.When Doctor says he’s going to prepare the anaesthetic, say ?Don’t worry, I’ve already taken care of that.’

4.Offer the doctor a beer.

5.Go up to the receptionist. When s/he asks if you have an appointment, look wildly around and start whispering the word `appointment?’ under your breath. Then scream it, and jump out a window.

6.After the dentist finishes drilling, say `Now my turn.’

7.When the doctor hammers your knee for the reflex test, smack him/her upside the head with your hand. When he looks at you, shrug.

8.Cut coupons out of magazines in waiting room.

9.When the doctor says, `Take off your clothes’, put on a condom.

10.Take a bottle of grape juice in with you. When they ask for a urine test, go in the bathroom and fill up the jar with grape juice. Give it to them and act really offended when they balk at it.

11.When prescribed pills, ask if they come with water.

12.When doctor prepares to give shot, ask if you can have it in chewable form.

13.Bring a dart board. When the doctor leaves, hang it up on the wall. When s/he brings out the needle, throw it into the board and shout `I win! I win!’

14.Demand typhoid shot. Threaten malpractice suit if doctor refuses.

15.Paint your tongue black. When the dentist asks why your tongue is black, look confused and say `Tongue?’

16.When doctor asks you to take a deep breath, defiantly stare at him/her and then hold your breath until you pass out.

17.Go through the entire check-up while firmly grasping a broadsword.

18.Prior to examination, attach a fig leaf over your crotch. When the doctor asks you to remove it, shake your head and go `Nice try, Doc.’

19.When the doctor asks what the problem is, pull out a dead rodent and ask him/her to fix it. Yell `Murderer!’ until s/he does.

20.When they ask you to put on the paper dress, ask for matching hat and shoes. Failing that, ask for at least an ironing board.
Read the rest of this entry »

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.

I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … And the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

control your spouse

Why waste precious time and energy trying to control the thoughts and actions of your significant other when you can automate the process? Just push a button on the Control-Your-Man Talking Remote or the Control-Your-Woman Talking Remote and let it do it for you.
The remotes deliver a riot of verbal one-offs and funny sound effects sure to keep your spouse on the right track. Features 18 saying including (men control) “Time to listen!”, “What about my needs?”, “What were you thinking?” (Women control) “Zip it!”, “Clean up on aisle four!” and “All right, hand over the credit cards!”.

1. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look,”buckle up!”

3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability. In the middle of it,get out and check to see if you have hit every one.

4. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/herto put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesnt dirty the seat.

5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas. Tell him/her thatyou thought it was the brake.

6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say “oops”.

7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, “now which one is thegas again?”

8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and checkthe oil.

9. Fill your car with beer bottles.

10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells likemothballs.

11. Tell the Registar that you are taking the remedial test.

12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

13. Swear at everybody on the road.

14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.

15. Beep your horn at everything.

16. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.

Just hearing the word “pizza” brings a smile to the face of just about every American. Whatever style or variety — from thick, Chicago-style deep-dish pizza stuffed with gobs of cheese, sausage, and pepperoni to a thin-as-a-cracker crust topped with veggies — pizza invariably makes it to the top of “favorite food” lists.

Here, we’ve compiled a list of fun and interesting facts about this American food icon. See how many you knew!

Pizza is one of the most popular foods in the United States.

1. Since 1987, October has been officially designated National Pizza Month in the United States.

2. Approximately three billion pizzas are sold in the United States every year, plus an additional one billion frozen pizzas.

3. Pizza is a $30 billion industry in the United States.

4. Pizzerias represent 17 percent of all U.S. restaurants.

5. Ninety-three percent of Americans eat pizza at least once a month.

6. Women are twice as likely as men to order vegetarian toppings on their pizza.

7. About 36 percent of all pizzas contain pepperoni, making it the most popular topping in the United States.
Read the rest of this entry »

Quote:
1. You immediately complain that this should be subscripted as zero.

2. Most people say “Go To Hell,” but you tell people to redirect to /dev/null.

3. By the time you’ve gotten here in the document, you’ve run Tidy or a similar app to check my X/HTML skills.

4. The statement (0×2b||!0×2b) makes sense to you.

5. You find 4 funny.

6. You note with disgust that it always evaluates to true, since 0×2b != 0.

7. Point 6 disgusts you, because under other languages than C++ (Java, per se), it would throw an exception, runtime error, etc.
Read the rest of this entry »